John Rathbone

In the past 26 years, John Rathbone has performed nearly 6,000 comedy shows. More than a million people have seen him live. His travels have taken him from New York City to California; from Alaska to the Caribbean. He has been hired to entertain for Fortune 500 giants, including: AT&T, General Electric, Honda, Philip Morris, Procter & Gamble, and The American Heart Association.

How do you build a name for corporate gigs?

Corporate work is great work. A lot of it is word of mouth, so you can build your name that way. You need a clean show. You need to be comfortable in a corporate setting. Some comics want to be able to say whatever they want, but if you’re in a corporate setting, you can’t. You have to work within the parameters of what they want you to do.

Do you research the companies before a corporate gig?

No. I do my show that I always do. There are different kinds of corporate comics. Some will tailor their acts, [but] you really can’t write very much material in a short amount of time. I stick to my act, typically a half hour to an hour. Sometimes it’s just 20 minutes.

How do you negotiate the fees? Do you have an agent?

I use agents. I use different agents that do corporate work. It’s more expensive to hire me as a corporate comic. Basically I work the clubs now just to keep sharp. This is where I practice, and the corporate shows are where I do all the things you need to do. Consequently, they pay me a lot more.

What advice do you have for an up and comer—especially someone who’s interested in corporate?

If you want to do corporate work, you have to be appropriate for corporate settings.

Get the wardrobe. You have to look nice (nice suits, etc.). Make sure your show is very clean. Then just start putting yourself out there to agents. Just say this is the kind of work I’d like to do…eventually you’ll get referrals and experience.

What kind of clips do you choose for your website?

I have a firm that specializes in that kind of work. They’re professionals. I think the money is well spent on having a professional website—not your buddy. [Hire] somebody with real graphic experience and real computer experience. A lot of my clients go to the web and look at each of these choices. My website sells me. It’s geared for the corporate client. It’s not a funny site…it’s all informative.

You try and present an image…for corporate clients you have to be pretty conservative.

How do you keep it corporate clean?

I’ve always been clean. I’ve had to make my act dirtier for the clubs. When I got started, if you wanted to be the emcee or the middle act, you had to be clean. Now that’s changed, [but] I recommend everybody be clean. You can always make it dirtier. You can’t take dirty material and make it clean.

I stay away from topical…political…anything that smacks of a timely reference…I don’t like to throw that into my act because three months down the road the joke is no good anymore. I like to write a line that I can say over and over and over for 25 years. Those are the lines that I’m striving for. That way the material is able to serve me for a long time.

What advice have you received that’s been most helpful?

The best piece of advice I’ve ever gotten is have fun onstage. If you’re not having fun, it’s very tough for your audience to have fun. Being a comic is a scary thing, but if you don’t go up and have fun, you’re making your job a lot harder. If you go up and have fun, the audience will follow you generally.

It seems easy…it looks effortless, but there are a lot of things that go into making it seem that way. It’s a very complicated process, you just kind of have to come across [techniques]. Have fun.

How do you keep it fresh?

I interact with the crowd. I have to pretend like I’m having a good time, and almost always I am actually. Keeping it fresh is my job; if I can’t keep it fresh, at least make it fresh to the audience or go get another job.

Is it important to stay away from polarizing subjects such as politics and religion?

I have my own personal politics, but you’re basically preaching to the crowd [with] whatever opinion you have to say. Half the people are going to agree with you and like you, and then half the people are going to disagree with you and not like you. I’m a comic, I’m not a social scientist, and even the social scientists—their opinion is just their opinion. I’m not trying to tell people what’s right and how to live their lives and how they should think. I really dislike political comics. Whatever, you’re so much smarter than me. Please tell me how to think.

I feel that when people come to my show, they’re going to laugh, and I’m not going to burden them with my little petty issues. I don’t take my issues up on stage. I got divorced the first time…they always say write about what you know. I thought maybe it would be cathartic to write about this and take it on stage. I wrote some stuff, and it wasn’t too bitter or angry—I thought. I realized people weren’t interested. They want to laugh. They don’t want it too real. It’s supposed to be a good time. It’s not a sociology lecture.

Everybody has their opinions—valid or not. Comedy is about having fun, and politics is about whining and complaining for the most part.

Sometimes you do get groups that are very uniform, especially in corporate. At a comedy club you’re going to get people of all different strides, but when you do a corporate show [they may have similar opinions].

What are the differences between corporate and stand-up shows?

The corporate world is different from the stand-up world. [At the club] we have a beautiful stage, fantastic lights, perfect sound…when you go do a corporate show, you’re going to have bad sight lines, bad sound, and bad lights…nobody can see you or hear you. You don’t know when you’re going to go on. Everybody’s tired and wants to go home…and they’re like “Okay, now your turn!” [It’s] anything but the ideal setting.

[At the club] everything is geared to just making it perfect. [But in corporate] you have to be ready for your show not to be its best. You have to be ready for the audience to not laugh very much. Doesn’t mean they’re not enjoying themselves—it’s just a different animal and it takes some getting used to. A lot of comics do a corporate show and it’s not like their club show. They start whining about it on stage, telling the audience they’re stupid. It can just go south real quickly. You really have to be tolerant and understand what kind of role you’re going to play in their evening’s events and really be a gamer. If you have an attitude [like] “I’m an artiste!” then maybe it’s not the best place for you to be.

There are all kinds of places to work as a comedian. You don’t have to go into corporate work. I do it because it pays very well, and I feel very comfortable in corporate settings. I don’t mind putting on my Brooks Brothers suit and my fancy tie, looking nice and minding my manners and giving them the best show that I can within their parameters. Even without the sound and the lights, etc., I try and make the most of it. That’s the kind of attitude you need to have if you want to do corporate work.

Paul Farmer (AKA Freez Luv)

Paul Farmer: I’ll say two things in this business. #1: Never judge where you are by other people. Because everyone’s different…you’re on your journey for yourself. You can’t compare where you are in this game to where someone else is. It’s a waste of time. We’re all going to be at different levels and doing different things. Just worry about yourself. Don’t worry about the next guy.

#2: don’t ever take anything personal…this is a business where you get told NO a lot and you cannot take it personally. You can’t let someone tell you NO today and say OKAY, but then harbor some dislike…that’s a future relationship. You never know who’s going to be your ally in this business. So just don’t take anything personal, and don’t judge yourself according to anyone else, and follow your dream. Do your thing, Man.

NY vs. LA

LA is for LAter

LA is great when you have a name…a place you go when people know you. That’s when you’ll get the best benefit of LA. If you’re a stand-up and you’re new in the game, and you go to LA, it’s going to be rough on you. You’re not going to get a lot of stage time. When you do get stage time, you’re around a lot of stars…they’ll take your stuff and do it on Jay Leno. They’re in the position to steal your stuff and make it count. When you’re doing a set at the Comedy Store and someone steals your set, you don’t know until you’re watching Kimmel Show…now you can’t do that set anywhere in the nation. They own it. It happens. That’s part of the business. It’s happened to me several times. We’re talking about writers…guess what? Your joke is now an episode on whatever show. They have million dollar lawyers that don’t care about you. It’s just material that’s gone.

How do you preserve material?

You can’t. It’s impossible to preserve material. The only thing you can do is have more material. You can’t get hung up on a joke…keep it in your locker, but don’t depend on it. You always have to have new material. Always. Always. Always get new material. When you’re here wherever you are that’s not like the “big leagues,” what you should be doing is taking risks. Say something [even if] you don’t know if it’s going to be funny. Do the work. The underground spectrum is for work. You have to take risks. You have to develop. You have to find out what’s funny…what’s not funny. What is funny--you keep it, put it in your locker so that when someone says your joke, that’s all right.

NY:

If you’re a new comedian, I would suggest New York. There’s just more opportunities to do stand-up. They’re going to give you a real opinion. If they laugh, you know it’s a real laugh in New York. New York is the breeding grounds for comedians. It’s a comic’s town. It’s where comics are bred. It’s where you cut your teeth, Man. We’re not talking about mainstream rooms like Caroline’s, the Comic Strip, the Improv, or the Laugh Factory… But NY also has rooms like Joe’s Deli…that’s a vital part of the NY comedy scene, especially for young comedians. Just for urban [comedy], there’s about 35 rooms in NY that go on throughout a week [from which] you can pull $100. Each one of those rooms are real, everyday, working people [who are] going to let you know if you’re funny or not. Each one of those rooms is culturally diverse, which is going to build you as a comedian as well. You have to be able to adjust. You can’t say, “Okay, I’m a comedian that only does ‘this type’ of comedy.” I don’t care if it’s in a synagogue or it’s in a chapel…I want to go there so I can get my rent money. You will develop a whole other muscle in comedy you didn’t even know you had, because you’re in a position where you have to make people laugh. You need that position in life.

How important is bombing in adapting your set?

Bombing is one of the best medicines for a stand-up. It’s nasty…it tastes horrible…you grit your teeth and suck it up. Bombing is necessary for comedians because you learn a lot of things. One thing you’ll learn from bombing is what I call “Laugh Ear.” You go out and you kill every week and every time you say a joke…you wait for that laughter. Joke—punchline—laughter. One day you’re going to throw the punchline—and there’s not going to be the laughter. It’s not necessarily that you weren’t funny. You have them in the palm of your hand, but because they didn’t laugh—now you’re worried about the next thing you say. It’s a spiral downward. Don’t develop a “Laugh Ear.” You start to panic. Forget the audience. The audience changes every set. There’s never two audiences alike—never. You can’t say everyone’s going to laugh at that joke—regardless of how funny it is. Don’t take it personal.

How do you know when to keep or discard a joke?

If it’s not exciting…if it’s not fun anymore…I’ve got to change up my set or something. It should be exciting to you.

There’s not one way to do this. As many different comedians as there are, that’s as many different ways as it could be done. For me, personally, I don’t like to have the exact same set every single [time]. It tends to get boring for me. When it’s boring for me, then my delivery is boring. If my delivery is boring, then the audience is going to be bored. I change it up a bit…I change the order…I change a lot of stuff. I try to keep some staple things because those are like markers.

How do you know when an audience is feeling you?

All comedy is is a direct exchange of energy. As a comedian, we kick out some energy. The audience likes it, they throw it back. It’s just back and forth…we control it. The audience doesn’t control it. It’s not their fault at anytime. Ever. Ever.

[Sometimes] audiences do suck, but who’s in control of that? Who always has the upperhand is the comedian. You got the microphone. You’re the loudest person in the room and everyone’s watching you. You have the opportunity to make it not suck. Keep that in mind: I’m running this show. Jolt ‘em. Shock ‘em. Make ‘em listen. You will change the energy. You will win them over.

Is there ever a dead set?

Yes. There’s always everything. Understand that. You gotta get out of your head that I’m going to do ABC.—and that’s going to make DEF happen. Sometimes you gotta do ALQZ. None of them have a mic. Only you. You got the power.

What’s the best advice you’ve ever received from another comedian?

Honesty, Comfort, and Confidence

[It was] from Eddie Griffin, Kansas City comedian. He saw me the very first time I ever did stand-up. He said, “You got it. Right now in the game, you got it. I’m gonna let you know what you have so you can hang onto it.”

You have to have Confidence, Comfort, and Honesty.

If you handle those three things onstage, you’re going to do all right.

Honesty—when you’re honest you allow people to be able to relate to you. The quickest route to finding what people can relate to is to be honest. Be vulnerable. Be laughed at. You’re the comedian. I’m not saying be a clown, but talk about the REAL stuff that’s really funny to you. At least you were honest and put it out there.

Comfort—you have to be comfortable, because if you’re not, then the audience [isn’t] going to be comfortable.

Confidence—Confidence and being honest…they all work together.

Will you always be nervous about bombing?

I’m still nervous before every set. Butterflies? Absolutely. Every show. Every show. Every show, Man. I have butterflies on the first show…second show…I haven’t done it before to that audience…anything can happen, Man. When you bomb, that feeling lasts forever. Bombing is like your training wheels…you rarely bomb when you’re not funny. You bomb when you’re nervous. You bomb when you panic and you feel like you’ve lost control of the mic. [The audience] will still ride with you…if you’re confident and comfortable, they’re not even going to notice that you’re bombing.

Who’s in control of the bombing—the audience or the comic?

I don’t know. It’s energy. Something to disrupt that energy, the potential is right there. Always. Like the Grim Reaper, sitting on the edge of the stage, ready to take the mic out [of] your hand. But you can’t be fearful, because that’s going to show. You’ve got to be confident…if you’re confident and people see that you’re always going to win.

Sympathy pangs at every level

Eddie Murphy came to the show. Eddie said, “You know how it is if you’ve ever bombed. You know how your ears get warm?” Just the fact that Eddie Murphy can talk about something and ask me can I relate to it…I shared that with him…that’s a great feeling…that sums it up…the tiptop of comedy say something that someone who’s been doing it the first day can relate to. You feel it. That’s how important bombing is. You can’t beat yourself up.

There’s a comedian named Honest John. I saw this dude bomb time and time and time again. I’m talking YEARS. One night, I saw him do the same material…and it worked! It worked! I don’t know what happened. It might have been his confidence. He got to the point with his material where he really didn’t care whether or not you liked it. He said it with a full heart…and full confidence…and full honesty…and it clicked. That was the turning point. This guy’s a headliner now.

Does size matter?

If you can make 6 people in the room laugh, you can make 60,000 laugh. Because humor is contagious. Try to focus on 3 or 4 people. I’m not saying pick them out of the audience. You just have to have 3 imaginary people in that audience that you’re making laugh…focus on those 3.

What advice do you have for up and coming comics?

Be Grateful

Be thankful for every comedian that looks out for you. You have to understand, the majority of your work is going to from other comedians. It’s not going to come from clubs…it’s not going to come from agencies…it will come from that, but the MAJORITY of your work is going to come from another comedian. You’re doing a set when you’re not even in the room, because other comedians know you. If you’re not cool with other comedians, they can really make it hard on you. There’s no reason not to be. This is your family.

Be Friendly

Be open-minded. Be cool. Make friends. Do your thing. Don’t stab anybody in the back. If someone stabs you in the back don’t take it personally. Just take the knife out [of] your back, smile, and keep moving.

Be Gracious

Everybody has a turn. There’s no reason to be jealous of anybody. You’re wasting time. You need that time to be creating funny stuff, not to be sitting up brooding about someone else’s success. That’s their success and they earned it. If they didn’t earn it, it would not be happening. Remember that. God puts us where we’re at. Let it be. Worry about when you’re going to a spot, and when you do get the spot—what you’re going to do with it. Make it count for you. Spin it forward. Parlay!

Sidebar—“Comic Love”

No one’s going to look out for comedians like comedians. When we’re good to each other, we’re very good to each other. When we’re bad to each other, it’s terrible. There’s enough jokes for everyone.

Anyone who pursues this craft that I pursue, I truly, honestly have a special concern and care for them. I know what this is. It’s not something that you do overnight.

Jim Breuer

A stand-up comedian since his high school days at Valley Stream Central High School in Valley Stream, New York, Jim Breuer worked in comedy clubs around the country for several years before deciding to become a regular on the New York comedy club circuit.

After being in New York for only seven months, he landed a gig on the nationally syndicated show, "Uptown Comedy Club," where he spent two seasons.

In 1995, Jim joined NBC's "Saturday Night Live," becoming best known for his original character "Goat Boy" and his impression of actor Joe Pesci. After a four-year stint on "SNL," Jim starred in the movie "Half Baked "alongside Dave Chappelle.

Advice from the Green Room: What's the best advice you've ever received from another comic?


Jim Breuer: Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER worry about what another comedian thinks of YOU. Because YOU are not there to entertain a COMEDIAN. You're there to entertain PEOPLE. So some of your peers I would never worry about.

Advice from the Green Room: What's the best advice you have for us?


Jim Breuer: Find your voice. Look all over...under the bed...in the drawers. Find your voice and work your voice.

Tammy Pescatelli

Comedienne/Actress Tammy Pescatelli is a three-time Addie Award winner and two-time Cleo nominee. She's performed in comedy clubs all over the USA and is arguably one of the hardest working women in comedy today. Tammy has appeared as featured comic on television shows like "Evening at the Improv" and "Court of Common Sense," and was recently named winner of the "Bud Light Ladies of Laughter" Competition.

Advice from the Green Room: How did you figure, 'This is what I want to do?'

Tammy Pescatelli: I always loved stand-up. I mean, I was crazy about stand-up comedy. I remember being a kid I had every Eddie Murphy tape that came out. I had to sneak to buy them because I wasn't allowed to listen to that kind of language in my house. And I had to sneak it and listen to it in the closet. When I was 18 I got a fake ID. And all of my friends would sneak into dance clubs and I would go to comedy clubs. It never dawned on me that I could be a comedian because I didn't see women that I could related to. Not that there weren't women that were funny. Roseanne. Ellen. Rita Rudner. But none of them were young, or they were talking about their husbands or their kids. Ellen probably wasn't that much older than me - probably only 7 or 8 years - but no one I could relate to. One day I went to a comedy club with my brother. I had just graduated from college. There was this female emcee. She wasn't that good and I told my brother, 'I could do that'. He said, "I'll bet you 50 dollars. There's an open mic night.” So I went home, and I practiced. I did my open mic night and the next week I did it again and they gave me the radio show.

I still didn't know I could do it professionally until I saw Kathleen Madigan. She's really the reason. At that time I was 20 I think she was 24. And she was rolling with the boys, and telling jokes. And even though I'm a girl, I have a great father and brother and I didn't want to male-bash. I didn't want to talk about menstrual cycles. That's what the women were talking about. I wanted to talk about stuff I found funny. And when I saw Kathleen she just rolled and I thought, 'That's what i want to do'. That's how I tried to write my act from that point on...

Advice from the Green Room: What was some of the best advice you've received?

Tammy Pescatelli: One female comic told me to 'go home.' That was the best advice I got because I wanted to shove it in her face. Women have been the worst to me in this business. Some have been the best, and some have been the worst. I was so excited to see her. She was a headliner. She said, "You just graduated with a degree in fashion design?" I said, 'yeah.' She said, “Well that's what you should do. You should go home and do that.” C'mon. I've only been doing comedy six months. What do you want?

Some of the best advice I got was silly things. Brett Butler told me, "Never sleep with a comic." and that was the best advice because [comedy] is a boy's club. People would think that if i slept with them, and I made it, then people would think I slept my way there.

Don't drinks out of the coffee mugs in hotels because the cleaning ladies wipe the toilets, then they wipe the mugs with the same towel. Mark Curry told me this, and Bill Cosby told him this: Don't let cleaning ladies in your hotels because they think that you're rich because you're a comedian - even when you're not making any money. And they will likely take stuff because they think you're rich and you can replace it.

Festivals

Montreal changed my career. Out of Montreal I found an agent and a manager and really made my presence known in comedy because I had just been a road comic working, working, working. I had just moved to LA a year before so no one really knew me. So it was really good and for me it made a great start to the industry.

Material Girl

Try anything. Try everything. There are only so many thoughts in the world. And we're looking at the third generation of stand-up comedians. You have to figure out who you are. Ultimately, if you think I’m funny or if you think I’m not funny - what ever the case may be - I finish my show and people leave the room. And if someone came up to them and said, "What do you think Tammy Pescatelli thinks of this?" they should know. Because my opinion should be that strong - and hopefully make them laugh in between.

Write something that's so uniquely personal to you. There are going to be some things that are typical, but you can know when people steal because all you have to do is listen to their act. "Does that stuff blend with their other material?" If you write something unique to you, you're less likely to have it lifted by someone else.

I had a joke stolen and they did it on the Tonight Show. Years later I told Jay Leno about it. He told me 'someone is going to steal your stuff. But you're a comedian, you'll write another.' The good news was, I now already had a joke that was on the Tonight Show! Now all I needed to do was write about 17 more Tonight Show-worthy jokes. I could do it. By happenstance, my first TV appearance was the Tonight Show.

Friendly Competition

The beauty of comedy is that when other comics are doing well, it only helps you. Who cares if they laugh at Larry The Cable Guy or Dane Cook? Maybe it will make them want to come to a show and see you?

Raphie May

Veteran comedian Ralphie May’s popularity exploded after the success of the first season of NBC’s hit reality series, “Last Comic Standing”. Long-time fans of Ralphie’s stand-up were joined by countless new fans when America thought he was robbed of the winner’s title. Despite the show’s outcome, Ralphie’s special brand of comedy combines the familiar elements of hip-hop and topical comedy with a dash of southern down-home flavor and quick wit making Ralphie May one of the most popular comedians in the country. His first DVD, appropriately titled “Just Correct,” went PLATINUM! Released on February 10th of 2004 by Melee Entertainment, a division of DreamWorks, the collection has been described as “fresh and very, very funny.” The DVD also includes footage of his USO Tour to Iraq where he could be seen swimming in Saddam Hussein’s pool.

Raw Material

"How do you get material?" People always ask me that because I write about 2 and a half new hours of material every year. It's easy. You play a game with yourself every time you go on stage. Every new joke is 5 points. Every new tag line is 2 points. Rearranging your material is 1 point. Try to get a minimum of 10 points per show. When I do a headline set, I’ll average anywhere from 60-70 points.

New joke

Write one new joke every time you perform - a joke being anywhere from 8 to 12 seconds depending on if it's fast or slow. You do five of those and you have a new minute. At that rate, you'll have an hour of great material in a year.

Tag line

Two points for a new tag line. No joke is ever finished. Young comics always mess up and make a mistake of not finishing their comedy. They'll get it to where it gets a laugh and then they'll go on to the next joke. A joke is never done. All these jokes are like rubber bands. You can expand them much further than you think. They'll always hold a lot more. Every joke is like a deck of cards. You hold the two end cards together and you have all the other cards in between. They make up quite a bit of space, but they're all individual pieces. If you couldn't think of a whole new 'deck', meaning a new joke or premise, you can add more cards to this deck and make it bigger, and bigger, and bigger. You can get it to where your bits are 12 to 15 minutes long. That's what I do. If I can't out write them on creativity, I’ll drown them in every angle that a joke can have. Every angle.

Be personal

Tell your stories. You want to make sure nobody steals from you? Then don't do anything that anyone else can talk about. Talk about personal instances. Include your personal stuff into it. And don’t' say, 'this is a true story.' No one ever believes anyone who says 'this is a true story' to start off with. But if you add more personal stuff to it, whether it's true or not is immaterial as long as it's funny. That's all that matters. But to make it more believable, and to act like it really happened you'll have to add more minor details instead of just glossing over it.

Short and sweet

Plus, take all your jokes and write them out on a piece of paper. Write it just as you would say it. Then go back through and eliminate every unnecessary word. That's how you tighten your material. You take out every unnecessary word. The spoken word is much shorter that the written word. And yet when comics write out material, they'll write it all out so it makes perfect sense and they'll remember it phonetically. But they don't have to do that. It can be shortened. Example, in my act I talk about playing cards in an old poker room with old dead people. There was a dead person at my table. And everyone else says, ‘No. He's got a 'poker face' and I say, "No. He dead.” Not 'he IS dead' or "he's dead". I shortened it to 'He dead'. I shortened the words to get the punch.

The funny bone is connected to the...

Have you ever been talking to someone and they're trying to tell you a story and they start cracking up at the story because they know how the story goes? And you find yourself smiling, and nodding along with him? And you're ready to explode too? That same thing you can do on stage. But you can't do that unless you build a personal connection with the audience. You can build that up. You can get huge laughs off of a setup by looking at people and engaging them and smiling. Also when you're delivering your material, pan to the side of the room but always deliver your punch lines to the front.

Rock the mic

Know where the mic is and don't let it become an obstruction. If you want to take it out of the mic stand, fine. Move the stand over and get it out of your way. Don't put it in the front of the stage where it can be a hindrance or block any body's view. If you're going to just talk and leave it in the stand, move your hands. Don't be boring.

Voice

Don't be monotone. The old comedy adage: Louder is always funny. Now, just because it's loud doesn't mean it's funny. But if it's funny quiet, then it will kill if you add some volume to it.

Silent But Deadly

One of the most important things that young comics do is that they're afraid of silence. Silence is a wonderful tool. If used properly, silence can double your laughs per minute. Use it. It adds an air of confidence. How do you use it? Before you do the punch line to a joke, if you pause you'll get a laugh at the anticipation of the punch line. And when you hit the punch line, you'll get another laugh. So you just doubled your laughs off that one joke. You can do that throughout your own act and up your laughs-per-minute. Just by implementing it off the bat, you can up your laughs-per-minute 30-40%.

Also, everybody thinks they have to have a segue. You don't have to have a segue. It's just been ingrained in us and it's been something we've been told we had to have a smooth transition - to make it seem conversational, like it's one long story. But it's not. If you want to switch topics, stop. Pause. Then switch topics. That's all you have to do. You don't have to add all these other words. Using silence there instead of 'Uh, um, speaking of' will greatly increase your productivity (in terms of laughs per minute), increase your believability as an entertainer, and the your confidence. Even if you don't have the confidence, just not being afraid is a huge, huge thing. And who cares if they haven't gotten to the joke yet. They'll get there. They'll come with you there. Just wait, and trust in your material. Use silence. Trust me. It'll work.

Zero-drink minimum

Don't drink at the club - ever. And I know you're thinking, "Aww, dude! It's free drinks!" I know. Here’s what happens. You’re cool. You’re having your two drinks, three drinks per show. The manager at the end of the week will be doing the books and will see your comp sheet. And it's inevitable that even thought the beer costs him 50 cents apiece, and he sells them for 6 dollars of whatever they sell them for. He won't see that fact that 28 beers basically cost him only 14 dollars. He'll see the fact that he lost 168 dollars that he lost. And he looks at your food tab a sees what that cost him. And they get 'pissy'. He doesn't see what he put in; he just sees what they could have gotten. And what that does it means that you cost him more money. That means if you're a feature act and you're trying to make headway in this industry and you're sending your 'avails' out. He's a businessman. He knows that he has budgeted for 7 shows, 600 dollars. But between your food and your drinks the last time you were here, you rang up an extra 250 dollars. So now you're costing him not 600 but 850. Over a month, that’s 1000 dollars. Over a year that's 12000 dollars that he's got to pay for comics that drink. They see that as a payment, they see that as telemarketing, and a month of radio that generates tickets. Giving beers to comics doesn't generate anything. You know what that means? That means you lost work! You lost work to the guy that didn't drink, ate sandwiches, didn't try to be a big shot and buy girl's drinks or anything like this. He's going to get the work over you. And you're sitting at home another week getting your beatings from your family. When are you going to pay your bills? When are you going to pay your rent? Your landlord won't take, "Hey. I wrote a great new dick joke" for rent. You have to treat it as a business. It's show 'business'.

It's just business

When you do get a gig do you send avails? At the end of the week when you're getting paid, do you talk to that person about more availability? And what do I need to do to get more work out of you? What can I help you with? How can I make it easier on you? What can I do better next time? Ask!

Be a good businessperson. If they're giving you your first feature gig in an A-room, at the end of the week write a thank-you card. People love it when you hand-write something. To me, it's so much easier to handwrite something and mail it than it is to email something. It takes you five minutes and it makes such a difference and people’s reaction to you as a person, as somebody that wants to get booked. The only time comedy is competitive is getting the actual work. There's only 52 weeks in a year. If you want to fill up your date book and do this professionally, you have to give yourself every advantage. And never give them something they can take away from you or they can have over you. If someone says you're too 'blue', you clean it up. If they still say you're 'too blue', you thank them at the end of the week and you leave and you don't throw a fit about it. If you can't clean it up then you shouldn't have been in that position anyway. And if they didn't know about it then shame on them for booking you without knowing. But don't take it personal.